


The Slack Where It Happens

by OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH



Series: Nightstalker [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, American Politics, Deb Is A Lil Stressed, Deborah Sampson Is Not Here For Your Bullshit, Gen, Jesus These Tags, Journalism, Of Course Thomas Jefferson's Ringtone is Soar Eagle Soar, QPQVerse, The Author Regrets Everything, Use A Condom, What happens in the Slack stays in the Slack, qpq universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 00:23:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6135133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH/pseuds/OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts from the Nightstalker newsroom Slack.</p>
<p>Deborah is getting just a lil stressed out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuckity. Bye.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rillrill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rillrill/gifts), [Iwillgladlyjointhefight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillgladlyjointhefight/gifts).



> Read Quid Pro Quo/the rest of Nightstalker to know what''s going on.
> 
> If ableist references to Pain and Gain aren't your thing, walk away (walk away, walkaway)

 

**DeporahSampson**

Back from my meeting. What'd I miss.

**KittyFisher**

Did you email Aaron Burr? He called and was bitching about something. 

**DeborahSampson**

He didn't block his number?

**Kitty Fisher**

Nope 

**Deborah Sampson**

Okay

Is it Be The Biggest Political Fucknugget Ever Day?

I thought that was next week. 

Yes. He emailed me from a burner email he sent FROM HIS WORK PHONE. 

**KittyFisher**

No.

**DeborahSampson**

FAIL.

HARDER.

**PatriotMoron1**

Lemme guess: Theodosia?

**DeborahSampson**

I sent him a how to guide on how to use a condom. 

Guess he didn't appreciate the free advice.

**KittyFisher**

#REKT

**DeborahSampson**

If I was still in the army I'd send him a big ass box of them. 

**PatriotMoron1**

Wait u get boxes of condoms in the Army?

**DeborahSampson**

When your base is located in the county with one of the highest HIV transmission rates in the country, Trojan will send u massive boxes of condoms and you get to demonstrate how to use them in front of the whole goddamn company 

And then the Rangers will bug you for Magnums cuz “I can only use Magnums”

Like bro

Take what fits

You're not impressing me

**Kitty Fisher**

USA USA USA

**Deborah Sampson**

But I digress 

**PatriotMoron1**

I heard Burr set a printer on fire when he was a Senate intern.

**KittyFisher**

No.

**DeborahSampson**

I am a million percent done.

**SybilLudington**

I'm back, bitches

**DeborahSampson**

Took you long enough 

**SybilLudington**

Shit went down, okay. 

**DeborahSampson**

Go on.

**SybilLudington**

  1. TJ won't play ball with us. He doesn't want money, he wants a guarantee we'll run it



**PatriotMoron1**

Run what

**Deborah Sampson**

I will explain later. Do not ask questions or pry.

Also fuck that guy

**SybilLudington**

  1. So while we're talking, he gets a phone call.



HIS RINGTONE IS SOAR EAGLE SOAR

**DeborahSampson**

This is the most unsurprising thing I've heard all day.

**SybilLudington**

Anyway, the call he gets is bad news. Mumbles something about a stupid princess or something. 

**Deborah Sampson**

I am going to walk into the Potomac. 

**SybilLudington**

Anyway, he fucks off, says something about how the clock is ticking, says “your boss knows where to reach me”, and books it.

Lydia was stationed outside, all she heard was “you're fucked yourself into it this time”, and something about the Four Seasons Georgetown, and something about bringing a princess, and he said “No FBI”.

**DeborahSampson**

Fuckfuckityfuck

Where's Lydia now. 

**SybilLudington**

SO, after that, I get a call from my rentacop contact. There's footage of Senator Jefferson and some short dude searching through Madison’s office, and taking a hard drive from the Majority Whip’s office.

**PatriotMoron1**

WHAT

**KittyFisher**

This is some House of Cards Bullshit 

**DeborahSampson**

Fuckityfuckityfuckityfuckingfuck

**SybilLudington**

So I sent Lydia to follow up.

**DeborahSampson**

Okay. 

I am going to go into one of the recording booths and I'm going to scream for half an hour. 

**KittyFisher**

Got it

**DeborahSampson**

#fuckitybye

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. What the shit is this fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deborah is not here for your bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SAW U LIKE FOUNDING FATHERS PORN, SO I PUT SOME FOUNDING FATHERS PORN IN YOUR FOUNDING FATHERS PORN, SO YOU COULD FOUNDING FATHERS PORN WHILE YOU FOUNDING FATHERS PORN.
> 
> #meta
> 
> The qpq verse has a reversed presidential order.

**PatriotMoron1**

So.

It's been 25 minutes 

**SybilLudington**

No.

Wait. 

**KittyFisher**

_ daddyobama.jpg _

_ obiden.jpg _

_ gwbush_hentai.png _

_ princessclinton.gif _

**PatriotMoron1**

WYD

STAHP

**SybilLudington**

Can u not

**KittyFisher**

[ http://archiveofourown.org/works/2470919/chapters/5479979 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2470919/chapters/5479979)

**PatriotMoron1**

My virgin eyes

**KittyFisher**

[ http://archiveofourown.org/works/5710687 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5710687)

[ http://archiveofourown.org/works/5571276 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5571276)

**SybilLudington**

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS 

FOUNDING FATHERS PR0N IS NOT THE THING I EVER NEEDED IN MY LIFE.

**KittyFisher**

U mean Founding DADDYS

**DeborahSampson**

What

The

Shit

Is

This

Fuck

**PatriotMoron1**

busted

**Kitty Fisher**

I was trying to lighten the mood. 

**DeborahSampson**

Yall need to do me a giant goddamn favor and kindly refrain from making any “daddy” jokes from now until the end of the world 

**SybilLudington**

CO-SIGN

**DeborahSampson**

In fact,  just avoid saying the words “daddy” and “princess” altogether. No matter the context. 

Please. 

I'm serious. 

 

***

 

FROM: Deborah Sampson 

TO: All staff

Cc: Legal, Design, Advertising 

RE: Refrain from saying the words “daddy” and “princess” in the office. No matter the context. 

 

Just fucking don't. 

Yall do NOT want an explanation. 

-D

 

***

 

**LydiaDarragh**

Holymotherfuckingshitballsack

WHAT THE HELL KITTY

I'm not going to even ask

_ stupidestfuckingheistever.mov _

**DeborahSampson**

Thank you sofa king much

**LydiaDarragh**

He recorded the video off his cell phone 

He's gonna try and send me the raw footage later

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL

**PatriotMoron1**

SPILL

**LydiaDarragh**

SO.

This fucking intern grabs me

Asks if I work for Nightstalker

And fucking tells me that Senator Jefferson’s aide asked for the keys to the Whip’s office this morning. 

THE FOOTAGE IS FROM THE WHIP’S OFFICE. 

**Kitty Fisher**

Dafuq

**DeborahSampson**

Why?

**LydiaDarragh**

Said something about a friendly prank he was playing on Madison. I guess they're used to that/it's a tradition? ???

But the aide was doing the talking. Jefferson didn't say much. Sounded sick/drunk. 

**Deborah Sampson**

What did the aide look like

**LydiaDarragh**

Uh

Short

Had a tan

A goatee

Long hair in a bun

Grey suit

Green tie

**DeborahSampson**

k

**LydiaDarragh**

Something really fishy is going on here

**PatriotMoron1**

And it's not Abby Adam’s pussy. 

**DeborahSampson**

WHOA.TOO FAR.10 bucks in the douchebag jar

**PatriotMoron1**

Yes ma'am 

**LydiaDarragh**

oh

Almost forgot 

George Washington passed the vet for VP. He gets sworn in tomorrow, I think. 

**Kitty Fisher**

Let's run it

**SybilLudington**

NO

**DeborahSampson**

Absolutely not.

I have reasons. 

I want absolutely nothing about the appointment anywhere. 

And I need yall to rally the troops and send me every tip you have about Jefferson and Madison. Now.

 

FROM: Deborah Sampson 

TO: Editorial, all newsroom staff

RE: Talk less. Like not at all ever

 

You may have heard that Sen. Washington passed the vet for the VP appointment. 

Let me be very clear. 

**We. Are. Not. Running. It.**

I realize that this is contrary to how we normally operate, but I have reasons for this. Reasons that you do not need to know. 

**Leaking this info on social media, or running any stories about Washington’s appointment will get your dick run straight through a blender.**

**ARE WE CLEAR?**

 

-D

 

FROM: Deborah Sampson 

TO: Editorial, all newsroom staff

RE: I need to know everything about Thomas Jefferson. Everything. When was the last time he took a shit. 

 

Any tips regarding Jefferson’s movements  (bowel or otherwise) need to be forwarded to me immediately. This is an order.

 

-D

 

To: [GW]

 

Okay “lay low”=/=”do some weird heist with Frenchie and plan a secret meeting with that Zodiac killer motherfucker”.

 

From: [GW]

 

Deborah. Stay out of this. Please. 

 

To:[GW]

 

I hope yall know what you're doing. 

 

From:[GW]

 

I do.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes those fics are real, and they are great. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know if the Army has a dedicated condom distribution/safer sex program, but Trojan does sponsor one for college campuses, and Chatham County (Savannah) GA does have a depressingly high HIV transmission rate. 
> 
> And yes, the "I NEED MAGNUMS" line was drawing from personal experience. 
> 
> The burning printer joke is a reference to this amazing fic:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/5843095?view_full_work=true


End file.
